I’m Leaving This F-Word Behind
In my post-pandemic, career-revamped world, it’s not acceptable for things to be “just fine” anymore
“So the job includes some shift work,” the eager EP told me over the phone. “And it does include weekends. You might need to work the early morning shift. It really all depends on where we need the coverage.”
At the time these details seemed unimportant. I was already sold on the idea of casual part-time work as a news writer. The job also offered benefits to its casual part-time staff, which was also incredibly tempting.
I appreciated his honesty in sharing the good and bad with this job opportunity, so I returned in kind. I told him how I had just started my own media consulting company and was looking for something casual to cover the bills while the company grows. He said most of his casual workers have side projects so they’re used to staffers who need flexibility.
I was sold, weekend work and early shifts included.
And for a time it worked out beautifully. I had a slight setback in training remotely, but since then I’ve settled in nicely. I feel the need to state I actually like this job. I’m comfortable with the responsibility (read: not much) and get to work with really smart, talented people. For months I managed to put in my time news writing and still have enough brain power left in the day to work on other things.
Until recently, that is.
I’ve been on early mornings for most of this month. But there’s still the odd day shift thrown in, which means I sometimes only have about 10 hours in between ending one shift and starting another.
And I’m working so. much. overtime.
I’m so tired.
Tired, but not burned out.
See, I was burned out in my last job, working endless hours of unpaid overtime worrying about objectives I was paid to care about. In this moment in time I’m just physically tired from waking up at 3 a.m. to write news copy.
I feel the distinction is important. For me the feeling of burnout was tied to giving 100% to a job that gave about 60% back to me. Sure, I got a steady pay and benefits, but as a middle manager I had to tow the company line. Even when I disagreed with it. Also top performance was expected. So any effort that went “above and beyond”, well, that’s why I had some seniority so why would I need extra praise?
Now, this isn’t a rant on toxic workplace culture. I chose a job in a competitive field. I was proud to work on the #1 daytime lifestyle show. There are others who occupy the same position, put in the same effort and feel they’re getting 100% job satisfaction back.
For a long time I was drawn to the environment of high expectations. I still am. Only now, I’m setting the expectations.
My priorities changed in the 10+ years I worked on that show. It took a long time to see just how far I was growing away from the show. It was a gradual process and every time I was faced with my growing unhappiness, I would just sigh and tell myself it was “just fine” and get back to work.
“Fine” is a word you use to avoid answering the question, “how are you?” Think about it. There’s no way to follow up. It’s non-committal. Fine doesn’t commit to happiness or unhappiness. It’s that grey area where you wish things could be better, but not to the point you’re ready to do something about it.
The dreaded f-word popped up recently when scheduling contacted me for another week of mostly 3 a.m. shifts.
“Fine, I can work this,” was my first thought.
“Oh sh*t,” was my second thought.
When I launched my career version 2.0 one thing I promised myself was to never work a job that was “just fine” ever again. I wanted to be specific with my intentions — I would only commit to gigs that would bring me closer to my goals.
But here I was, committing to another week of waking at 3 a.m. and feeling brain dead by 1 p.m. and blanketing my feelings with “fine”.
I couldn’t leave it at “fine”.
I needed to nail down the specifics; the finer details, so to speak, of what I’m giving to this job and what I’m getting in return.
Fine — this week is mostly early mornings so I can get into a routine for a bit.
Fine — at least it’s full-time hours.
Fine — it’s the end of summer, which means this is still a lot of vacation coverage. Plus, we’re in the middle of an election, which means there are some backfill shifts in there too. At some point these shifts might scale back and I’ll be grateful I got to work as much.
Plus, I can always just commit to four shifts a week.
And just like that, things were more than fine.
Time management when you freelance is challenging. You never feel like you’re doing enough. But every so often, you need to remind yourself you made this choice to have more control over what you work on and when.
All it took was a closer look to remind myself why I took this job in the first place — weekends and early mornings included.
