What Builds You Up Can Also Take You Down
For most of my career I found myself as a proof-reader or quality-control — the person whose job it was to make sure mistakes never made it to air or print. Spoiler alert, I’m human. Naturally mistakes would slip by. And every time they did I would tell myself the same thing.
“I’m like a goalie. People barely acknowledge all of my saves, but man alive do they notice the mistakes that slip by.”
So when star goalie Carey Price postponed a delay to the NHL to enrol in the leagues “player assistance program”, I understood immediately.
I am not a sports fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I know Price by reputation. I know he’s a top goalie, a top athlete, and by many accounts a top human being. I know he helped lead the Montreal Canadiens to the playoffs last season. Even I had to write the occasional news script about the teams “Cinderella-run” to be just a few wins away from Stanley Cup victory.
But the team fell short, as teams do. Someone has to come in second. Hell, if you’re a runner like me, someone has to come in last. And if Carey’s drive and ambition is anything like my own, he spent an all-too-short off-season obsessing over the goals that slipped by.
I’m touched by the teammates, players, coaches and GM’s who spent a day sending public words of support. On the surface I support public displays of high-performers prioritizing down-time. I also feel the need to shed some light on how to actually support someone in crisis like this.
It Can Happen to Anyone
The news and sports cycle took particular interest in a long, tearful, thoughtful pause by Habs GM Marc Bergevin when asked to describe Price. Bergevin was lost for words, for a long time. I can only imagine the ripple effect through the organization as they come to terms with this happening to “someone like Carey Price”. And the likely followup questions.
Who else is feeling this way?
Could this happen to me?
Why didn’t I see this coming?
Now, I have no intel on what Carey Price is dealing with specifically. But when I had my mental breakdown, I was at peak performance.
I was a senior producer on a major daily lifestyle show managing dozens of people.
I was on track to visit all of the continents before turning 50.
I had just finished my first marathon and was working on getting back in shape to run my second and beat my time.
I was on a never-ending loop of self-improvement and success. Not only was I always looking for the next thing to conquer, but I was always looking for the next thing to “fix.
My management style.
My running pace.
My dating habits.
Mental burnout caught me by surprise. I learned about it roughly the same time my co-workers saw as I broke down in tears at my desk.
Since burnout became and actual term being studied, there are helpful articles on “signs and symptoms”. But don’t be surprised if someone you thought was holding it all together suddenly falls apart.
We celebrate achievement. We laud women who “power though” adversity. Strength and resilience will help you achieve the unexpected — like take a sports team on an unexpected run to the playoffs — but it can also shield others from noticing when you’re stretched too thin.
As much as you want to, you can’t go back in time and “see the signs”. You can’t undo the path that took someone to a point that is difficult to come back from. All you can do is support their need to step back, deal and heal.
Remember, This Is Temporary
My main burnout trigger three years ago was grief. I used my hobbies, projects and goals to avoid truly processing some very painful feelings. But I had internalized that as “self-care”. I would “improve” myself to better health and come through my grief a stronger person. After all, isn’t that the platitude? What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger?
It took my therapist to break me of my unyielding belief that exercise, a good diet and achievement was the only path to success.
She told me:
“The only problem with self-improvement is you never learn to feel good enough.”
Achievements are great. But so is stepping back and acknowledging when it’s done. You need to take the time to note when a chapter in your life is over, good or bad.
At the height of my grief I thought I would never feel anything different. Then I came to terms that even though someone special to me was no longer around, it doesn’t make the time we had any less special. My time with Ben was delightful, but temporary. My time grieving Ben was painful, but also temporary.
People recover. Someone who experiences anxiety, isn’t anxious all the time. Someone who experienced burnout, will still experience stress. All you can do is hope they learned some valuable skills to deal with the stress when it comes, and move on when it stops being of value.
These are all learned behaviours. As glad as I am that we’re normalizing getting help and prioritizing mental health, I also want to continue to share insight on what it’s like to be on the inside looking out. Public words of support are always welcome. So is a respect for privacy. Taking up negative space. And acknowledging that this could happen to anyone — even the best of us.
